Survival to Thriving
My journey to liberation
It took me almost an entire year of working on myself to realise that I’d spent almost my entire life living in fight, flight, or freeze - the natural response of the body to a feeling of being unsafe in one’s environment. It took another bout of self-sabotage and a heartbreak to get me here, and it was a distressingly familiar place. I have lived in a cycle of burgeoning success and then self-sabotage, success and self-sabotage for years, the demons of my past resurfacing every time it would appear that I am stepping beyond the bounds of shame, low self value, and scarcity. Whenever I am just close enough to the light anxiety and fear of the past repeating itself resurface; motivating my actions, fuelling destructive behaviour, and pulling me back into the darkness that feels so familiar.
Born at an inconvenient time into chaotic circumstances, my childhood was marked by instability, intermittent emotional and physical unavailability of my parents, and a certain lack of care. When I speak of not always being shown care I don’t mean that I ever went without. My basic needs were always met, my mother was patient and nurturing towards me, and I was surrounded by extended family. I speak of the kind of care that is shown to a child who’s presence is made space for and expected joyously. The kind of care of being looked at and treated as something that is precious and deeply loved. I speak of the kind of care that is absent to so many of us born to black parents themselves the survivors of traumas unfathomable. All of this created within me a feeling of being unsafe in the world, and a lack of trust in Life that kept me perpetually in a state of survival. To the mind survival means keeping you in safe and familiar territory, and doing everything to curtail that which feels unknown. When care and abundance is unknown your mind will work to keep you in the familiar territory of scarcity, and then shame will make you feel that that is all you are worthy of. Shame kept me living in the shadow of myself, confident in my inherent inadequacy, and afraid to let anyone truly see me. But now I must tell my story if I am to be free. I must emancipate myself from the repressive forces of shame if I am to fully step into the light.
When I meet people and they ask me how I am I often jokingly respond ‘’I’m surviving’’, I didn’t realise just how accurate that statement was! My mind’s well-intentioned attempt at survival kept me fearing that which I desire and holding onto that which brings me pain. And then the anxiety, the feeling of impending doom that would make my mind race into all manner of worst case scenarios at the slightest trigger. Living with anxiety is like living with a dark cloud over your head, except that you don’t realise that you are living in darkness until some of that weight becomes lifted, and you start being exposed to the light. Many years of practising meditation certainly mitigated it, but it was only through digging into memories of my childhood that I understood the source of my anxiety enough to begin to let go.
My mind’s well-intentioned attempt at survival kept me fearing that which I desire and holding onto that which brings me pain
I believe that we each come into this life with a theme that is to define our existence in the world, a recurring theme that is disguised as our life’s greatest challenges, but that, if met with awareness followed by transcendence, can become the pathway to our higher purpose. I also believe that what determines our trajectory is a combination of our natural disposition, childhood experiences that shape us, as well as that which is embedded deep within our Being. We know that two people who have lived through the exact same childhood experiences can make of their lives vastly different things, this I believe is due, of course, to their respective dispositions, but also to that which their Spirit came into this world to learn, to overcome, or to fulfil. My theme, I have come to discover, is rejection. A pattern in my childhood of men in turns being unavailable, and often regarding me with criticism and judgement, made me internalise the idea that love is not something that is given freely, that I have to be something other than what I am in order to receive love. If I could just be perfect, have the perfect career, if I were that girl, then I’d be worthy of love. So subconsciously I would behave in ways that would keep love at bay, love in the form of deep romantic connections, meaningful friendships, and life changing career opportunities; because I did not feel deserving of them.
A very long, but ultimately rewarding, process of creating space between my Self and my thoughts allowed me to begin to perceive of the mental programming that all along I have just thought of as ‘me’. ‘’I’m just not good enough’’ my mind has told me for as long as I have known myself, and it just felt like the truth, until I started to dis-identify with my thoughts, and to slowly align myself with my true essence. My true Self knows that I am deserving of love and all good things, and when I trust that voice, no matter how foreign it may feel, I release myself from the influence of the lower frequencies and I am truly liberated. Liberation feels like trusting that I am safe in this world, and that I am loved and held by something far greater than anything that could hurt me. Liberation feels like allowing myself to be myself and knowing that that is enough. Liberation feels like treating myself with care. There is joy in liberation!
Overcoming past trauma is one of the most difficult things one can do, but it is an accomplishment of a lifetime! I understand that these patterns that I developed from my traumatic experiences will always be with me, but no more will I be defined by them. I am no longer afraid of the things that bring me pleasure. I am now confident in my bright future, walking towards the sun with a heart open to an abundance of love and all good things.
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